Please Don't Go

The Manbearpig franchise brought up a topic for discussion recently on the message board regarding what would happen in case an owner decided to quit. Arlie's Hogs quickly stepped in and provided a very nice answer, but I don't think being tarred and feathered and then forced into bed with a 600 pound woman would be enough punishment for any owner giving serious thought to ditching out on the league.

First off, if any one of you does decide to quit, you are dead to me from that point forward. I will have no use for you and would wish upon a multitude of stars that the earth open up and swallow you whole only to spit your chewed remains out into a far off galaxy where you would float aimlessly for centuries until the matter that makes up your being dissolves into tiny space particles that eventually settle on the planet of Uranus.

I'm sure most of us have thought about quitting a fantasy league before (Pete Lunchbox, you know what I'm talking about) but to actually act on such foolish thoughts is just plain maniacal. To do something that stupid, I'd have to assume a demon like spirit had entered your body and is now taking up habitation somewhere in or around the brain or brain stem region that is responsible for making rational decisions and I would probably contact the local poison control center to help rid you of such clouded spiritual infestation.

But in all seriousness, if an owner did quit, I wouldn't hold some sort of contraction draft and spread his remaining roster throughout the league and force a new owner to start from scratch. All the finances for the league can be taken care of within the duration of one season, it's not like the owner of Luol Deng, for example, is forced to pay the league $9 a year for the next 6 years whether they retain him or not. In a perfect world, the owner who decides to quit would find a replacement (that is somewhat familiar with the group or certain members of the group) before stepping down and the league could continue on without interruption.

Again, if you quit you will find yourself on the fast track to painville because I will have the Ultimate Warrior himself, Jim Hellwig, come to where you live and gorilla press your sorry ass off the roof of your living quarters followed by a barrage of stomach kicks that will not stop until you spew your last 14 meals into a pool of bloody porridge. And if you don't think the Ultimate Warrior is desperate enough to come to where you live and kick your ass for a nominal fee, then you have another thing coming.

Love,

The Commish