Weekly Update: Humpty's Dumpties

We Wear Short Shorts may or may not be getting too big for his britches as evidenced by his recent rant on the league home page warning others to be on the lookout for his suddenly aroused group of misfits. And sure, Jason's squad has made some noise of late, but relying on Baron Davis, Marcus Camby, Andrei Kirilenko, Tracy McGrady, and newly acquired head case Ron Artest to be healthy and productive at the same time is like asking the cast of Party of Five to reunite and be relevant again. The only problem is:

Baron Davis (Neve Campbell)- She used to be hot and is best known for her make out scene with Denise Richards in the movie Wild Things. But then Neve cut her hair real butch (Baron signing with the Clips) and hasn't been the same since. If only Mike Dunleavy would let them play ball.....and if only the injury prone Davis didn't just sign a fat contract....and if only he wasn't a 6'3'' guard who's game depends heavily on explosiveness (he's one more knee injury away from being Steve Francis), and if only he wasn't turning 30 at the end of the season. Did I mention he was a Clipper?

Andrei Kirilenko (Jennifer Love Hewitt)- She has big boobs and a skinny waist, AK47 has funny hair and a propensity for blocking shots. In the end though, neither of them are very interesting but continue to find work based on a diluted sense of potential. Both could shine brightly if put in the right situation though(Kirilenko- a team that has heavy minutes available for a defensive PF and Jennifer would look mighty nice in bed, aka, the pornography industry).

Marcus Camby (Matthew Fox)- Charlie Salinger was the eldest and tallest of the Salingers thus making him the center and leader of the parentless group of youngsters. But just as Charlie was diagnosed with cancer, so will Camby fall to yet another injury. He started the year wounded and will probably be on the shelf again. I actually like Camby so I won't keep harping on him. Camby's fantasy resurgence in Denver sort of parallels Matthew Fox's stint on Lost when you think about it.

Tracy McGrady (Scott Wolf)- Bailey was the Mac Daddy of all the character's on the show and his light shined the brightest. Some predicted he might be the next Scott Baio. He literally had thousands upon thousands of teenage girls lined up around the corner with sticky undercarriages just waiting to hand out their virginity in a fit of uncontrollable hormonal rage. And now? What has Mr. Wolf done lately? Both he and T-Mac have fallen so far off the radar it's damn near comical. In my humble opinion, McGrady is in the same class as the O'Neal brothers. Injury plagued has-beens who's contracts will kill your team.

Ron Artest (Lacey Chabert)- Ah, little Claudia. Nobody paid attention to you, nobody cared that you could play a musical instrument. Nobody cared about Ron Ron at St. John's, nobody hailed him as the next best thing. He spent a few years in Chicago on crappy teams with Elton Brand and didn't really receive mainstream attention until he got to Indiana (Mean Girls). Just like the smallest child in any family, Ron is always willing to puff his chest out and declare how great he is to anybody willing to listen. And speaking of puffing your chest out, Lacey, where did those come from? Hubba hubba.

I think Jason got Artest at a pretty reasonable price. I usually think of Gooden as more of a boner than a basketball player and with all the rebounders on We Wear Short Shorts, he was very expendable, probably to the point where Jason was thinking of dropping him. Chalmers is a nice young point guard but I'm not so sure the he and Gooden are enough for Artest. It's not a trade that should be subject to veto, not at all (Gooden is hauling in nearly 9 boards a game right now), just saying that I thought Artest would bring in a little more in a trade scenario. My trades could be subject to the same ridicule.

But Jason, I sincerely hope you were kidding when you briefly raved about your D-League squad in your Not So Fast speech. I was the one who drafted Chalmers for you and I only threw you that bone because I felt sorry for drafting the great honkey duo of Hansbrough and Harangody after you bailed on the draft. Then after given an extra week to prepare for the final 4 rounds, you go ahead and draft Yue Sun, Marco Belinelli, and Tiago Splitter. The only thing I'll give you credit for is drafting Spencer Hawes because that guy is a stone pimp.

I don't mean to rag on your team alone, the five guys mentioned above are all good players, I just wouldn't be able to sleep at night knowing they were all on my roster. But what I do intend on doing, is lambasting the ridiculous Zach Randolph trade.....which will happen in next week's update. Until then, keep on trucking.