Open Letter to ATTIC

Marc, unfortunately for you, the championship won't be determined by who has the longest arm pit hairs. If it was, I could understand the giddy Rob Deer posting.

Little do you know, about the cancer you are undertaking. Sources close to the Cagers have reported that James routinely took exception to being benched on days he didn't have a game. James thought his name brand recognition alone would carry the Cagers to first place and he didn't think it was necessary to "give minutes" to the likes of Thaddeus Young and Jordan Farmar.

Things got even worse when German native Dirk Nowitzki was brought aboard to help the team. James couldn't deal with the fact that Dirk was taller, didn't have tattoos, and refused to wear a headband. James tried to convince other white players on the team that Nowitzki was a Pansie and that they shouldn't pass him the ball. Brad Miller and Marc Gasol recall numerous occasions in which LeBron would belittle Dirk behind his back, making claims that the German forward smelled like cabbage and that his German national team was a joke (alright, that one is true). James also was the one who went to general manager Andy Ballbach in the first place to force him into trading away David Lee and Mike Miller for reasons that should be obvious by now. And when Ballbach brought in Dirk just to spite LeBron, that was the straw that broke the royal camel's back.

Reports also went on to say that LeBron, after hearing that Kirk Hinrich would be out for 3 months with a thumb injury (and subsequently released from the team), pooled together 20 members of his posse to urinate on the front lawn of Hinrich's 12 acre estate. A move best described as classless and kind of funny, but still classless. The posse then rented out a Chuck E' Cheese and played Whack a Mole until 3am while young children peered through the front window with quivered lips and a broken heart.

For Ballbach, it was the little things that started adding up. LeBron was more worried about late night commercial shootings or conference calls with Japanese business powers than he was with correcting his poor free throw percentage or correcting his duck-like walk with his toes pointed outward. The racial tensions were just too high and LeBron had to go. One has to wonder how LeBron will mesh with new teammates Yao Ming, Mike Dunleavy, Kevin Love, Beno Udrih, and to a lesser extent, Jason Kidd. How will they co-exist?

The season is young and everyone still has a chance for championship glory. And the Cagers for one, are very excited about what the Big Gay Al era has in store for them. And with the racial issues now put aside, Dirk is free to whip up delicious batches of chocolate cake, potato salad, and apple strudel for all to enjoy without the fear of ridicule. The chemistry is as good as it's ever been and everyone is focused on the same goal, winning the championship that has apparently already been won.